back from ze hospital

after the fight with my younger brother, followed by world war 3 with my father, i cried like i've never cried before... it was as if my entire being grieved, for the 1st time, for the many years i have suffered silently as the eldest child in the family.

i ended up in the hospital late that sunday and spent a few peaceful nights and days there. i had an attack, landed on the floor, and became trembly and stiff. (hyperventilation syndrome, it's called.) i knew i wasn't gonna die, but i prayed so hard i would.


you know those moments we see in movies when characters start opening their eyes and everything's blurry and white at 1st, then they realize they're in some hospital? i had that moment. i thought it was funny.




while i was getting better, 1 of the doctors said he could let me stay in a room of my own. i said yes because i badly needed to be a away from this place. (later, i found out that it was my father who suggested that i stay in the hospital "for observation". i think he just wants to get rid of me.)


for the 1st time, i got pushed in a wheelchair! this was how the lobby was during the ride.


no1 ever let me be alone, it was crazy. i just really wanted to be left alone.




the next day, mom arrived from far away (to grieve for a relative who died in canada) with plenty of cookies and fruits.









today i got up with a heavy heart. i didn't wanna leave. ****, who called yesterday from the other side of the world to check on and comfort me, was right about the hospital being the next best thing to a hotel, considering that i wanted to be away from this place.

and now, i'm back to the reality that things will never be the same. i really, really hope that something good will come out of all this.

attack of the ants

red ants are attacking my computer!!!

running in the rain

me yesterday afternoon, after our abuela’s lovely garden party in the southern part of cebu. running away with the rain in my current favorite dress. it was nice to get away, race with slow-moving cars of leaving relatives and feel the wind and rain on my face...

"we'll find another way to dance..."

the song is called "find a new way" by my new love, young love.

i came across this song by accident, not long ago. but i'm happy i stumbled upon it. the line "we'll find another way to dance" is just... fun and beautiful and deep. and hopeful and crazy and inspiring.

'hope you'll enjoy the acoustic version as much as i do!



"if you get the chance, you must dance, dance, dance..."

a.

on a beautiful october afternoon last year, she hung herself in a room in their house. i only learned about it later that evening, through a call from my father who was then in a different city. he said he got a call about her and asked if i’ve been informed about her apparent suicide.

i thought it was one of his bad jokes. but it wasn’t.

when he hung up, i just felt so hollow and disorientated. i really didn’t know how to take the news, how to feel about it. and suddenly in my seat in the restaurant my friends and i were having dinner in, i broke down.

she was asleep on my bed just a few days before the news and she was okay the last time she came around the house. she was even laughing and eating everything while we shared stories and laughs...

then she’s gone. just like that.

though i honestly think it was brave of her to take her own life, i felt cheated that she never let me keep a promise. i was going take her and my younger sister (her best friend in the whole world) somewhere special, somewhere life-changing. it could’ve changed her mind, saved her from her decision to die. but she never let me keep my promise.

some cab drivers who pick up passengers from this neighborhood still talk about her as if everything just happened yesterday. they heard about her in the radio and some neighbors talk about her and her street in the subdivision.

“‘heard she was beautiful, ‘had foreign blood,” 1 driver shared as he drove me to school 1 afternoon.

yeah, eurasian. she could even pass up as anne curtis’s younger sister.

“and very young, too,” he continued in dark cebuano.

only 16.

today

today i woke up to an “i love you” from far away. those words in my phone inbox drowned my mental to-do’s list and the sharp sounds of construction in the neighborhood. (it still puzzles me how people go on building houses even on a sunday, but nevermind. that “i love you” reminded me not to think too much today.)

on the wonderful sender’s side of the world, it was bed time. thinking (so much for not thinking much!) about his sleepy side of the world turned me into a sleepy girl again. since it was a lazy sunday here, i simply gave in to the pull. and halfway back to sleep, i decided to just stay home and spoil myself.



and spoil myself, i did. it was already midday when i finally rolled out of bed (feeling a little sick). then i ate, a lot... read... played some music... ate again... read...

at the moment, i’m finishing 2 books: coelho’s “like the flowing river” and the bible in contemporary english version. i also got to borrow an interesting read from a friend: “culture shock! philippines” by alfredo and grace roces. it’s part of a series of guides to customs and etiquette that cover several countries...



...very enlightening and entertaining. very related with the stuff we’re taking up in anthropology class, too. it’s always fun to learn more about our culture here. we have such a rich history and we’re quite an interesting mix:

filipinos, it has been said, are malay in family, spanish in love, chinese in business, and american in ambition.”

spanish in love, ne! interesante...!

to close the day, the romantic rain came and made the entire night perfect for lounging around and for thinking about happy things.

it’s sundays like this that i love and miss. i understand i have to get my mind, body and spirit used to things growing people face each day, but i know i also need to wake up to another “i love you”, even from far away... to a lazy sunday, even with the echo of construction in the neighborhood...

and that, my friends, is why i’m going to work hard from now on to keep my sundays sacred.

happy to be home

it’s good to be simply home today. i did miss waking up late, home cooking, lazing around with an interesting book, listening to some music, a long siesta, and just being on this big old bed. thank god for sem breaks, ne!

you have no idea how i need to be away from school, even for just a few days. life in there has lately been a little unkind to me. though i can meet the demands, i honestly feel that i’m in a bad physical and emotional shape. i’ve become sickly again and have been carrying (very) unnecessary weight on my shoulders, which has lead me to make difficult choices... but i have no regrets and i’m full of hope.

on the bright side, school’s out. hooray! though it doesn’t entirely mean freedom for a few weeks, i’m really looking forward to spending my break working on more important things... like preventing our family from falling apart, learning about the lord and my faith, and so on.

i’m also excited about working on our thesis and video documentary again. it’s taking us some time to complete because we’re suckers for quality and all of us in our group, as 1 member explained, “actually have lives”. haha.

even with my parents arguing in the background, i’m just happy to be home today. (trust me: in 15 minutes, they’ll be sweet and funny again.)

p.s.: http://aceychan.blogspot.com is now my new blog address. when you find time, pretty please change your links. thank you and i hope you’ll still give me some love! \(^_^)/