good morning from the apartment/hotel which is my home for the week!

fresh out from the bathroom, wearing an oversized business shirt for sleeping. sitting like an indian with my sidekick, my laptop, on a bedside table. very bad wireless internet connection here. playing and replaying a traditional spanish carol called “a la nanita nana”. not alone, at least—1 of my nocturnal roommates is here in this low-lighted family room, sleeping like a log. next-door neighbors obviously still making passionate love: the wall is moving again!—

the other night, being the curious cat that i am, i pressed an ear on the wall that separate our room from the neighbors’. the serious groans and grunts i heard disturbed me, and i regret listening to whatever miracle went on in their room.

—last night, while checking my email in the staircase, where the internet connection was decent, i saw the next-door neighbors, at last. embarrassed that i listened to them the other night, i didn’t look up from my computer to greet them with the filipino smile.

last night, it was also lonely here. all of my roomies/thesis buddies were out doing different things with different people. i arrived from dropping off my laundry and picking up my fabulously inexpensive but amazing gourmet dinner (pic) to a cold, empty room. it was so cold, i had to adjust the air-con and go out to buy hot chocolate from the coffee shop in the vicinity.



walking the dark streets lined with bars and cafés that only come alive at night and with the evening’s chill that carried music and talk, reminded me of dumaguete and the sort of freedom i felt i had with the distance between me and home. i kind of like living like this—

i thought about tokyo and my options after college. i wanna live in japan, as an exile, for a few months. maybe i can find work or get a scholarship in 1 of the universities. i can stay in a guesthouse or an apartment and finally learn to be independent before i start living with **** around the world.

independence is going to be a great challenge for any pampered slave. every day i’ll have to drop off laundry, pick up dinner and walk dark streets with colorful lights overhead to buy hot chocolate in a nearby coffee shop. i won’t know as many people and i’ll have to make friends by learning to entertain the strangers who usually stop me in the streets to ask for directions or to start a conversation.

—there were plenty of people out in the open-air cafés and bars last night. i suddenly felt like a dot in this big city... a dot in a silky kimono-inspired dress, at least. haha.



oh, i slept in the same dress last night. haha... the plan was to wake up at 12:30 am to shower and change into something as comfortable and later work on our thesis. somehow i knew i was gonna fail in getting up to do work and in taking the international call i’ve been waiting all week for. (boo.)

talk of our dearly-loved thesis. it’s the reason why my thesis buddies are my roomies. we’re staying here for a week (or more) to live with 4 computers for paperwork and video editing.



after this sad and very late breakfast of fresh milk, choco biscuits and gourmet pretzels, i’m sure my sleeping roomie will get up and leave to meet up with her friends for brunch or something.

when i’ll be alone and the neighbors are in heat again, i’m really going to play loud music and dance like a rockstar on top of everybody’s beds. just to keep my ear off that wall to listen to the miraculous things happening next door.

refreshed

waking up at 5 pm made me realize that i slept through the whole day. it must be the cool brought by the weather, which turned the day perfect for sleeping and oversleeping. haha.

my 1st week back in school was really busy, too. and i lacked plenty of hours of rest. other than other things, we have been working very hard on our now 1-year-old thesis. all the paperwork is 92% done and we just started to do editing the supplementary video documentary.



last friday, and just on time, we did the recording with the help of 2 amazing cebuano indie actors as narrators (check out the trailer of their new movie here). they also helped us with a few parts of our audio script, which was a great thing because we felt that there were several things we were missing and they filled the little holes with powerful phrases.

we in our group achieved a lot this week, so we deserve this weekend off. and, boy, am i just happy to feel refreshed tonight, thanks to today’s whole day of sleep.

though i never really got to eat, drink, or go to the toilet, i still woke up in a really good mood. and because i got to recharge my batteries and was feeling inspired by hunger, i helped my mom prepare singapore-style stir-fry rice noodles.



want some?

can you keep secrets?

do you have secrets? with whom do you share those dark and deep things with?

my last 1st day of school

this morning, i put on my uniform again. i probably lost much weight over the break because my skirts are all a size bigger now. my growing skirts didn’t stop me from going to school too early for my 10:30 class, though. i arrived at 7 because i couldn’t wait to forget about certain things.

school started last wednesday, actually. but because i got picked to be 1 of the girls to go to that media congress in dumaguete city, i had to be absent all through the 1st 3 days of the semester. the good thing is that i didn’t miss much in my classes and that my days are beginning to be long and productive again.

the not so good news is that i found out that even if i’m on the dean’s list, i’m not going to be 1 of the candidates for honors. thanks to my mediocre grades in college algebra and statistics.

it’s a terrible thing to understand that it’s partly my fault. i never really cared much about standards or worked too hard to be on top.

but now i wanna be cum laude, at least. it would make **** and my family happy to know that i have been a good girl, to thank them, when the nuns graduate me in march.

it’s hard to explain but gossip girl, i have to admit, is right about parents and college and those of us who aren’t “legacies”...



well, maybe i’ll just make the most out of my last semester in school... if something is not for me, then it’s not for me. i guess i’ll just have to relearn to accept the truth that i don’t and can’t have everything. or always please people.

back from dumaguete city

things still make me wanna cry. but i try not to think about problems anymore. they’re exhausting—they just make me tired of life. and i’m too young to be tired of life. haha.

but because people who say they care seem not to want to help me out of this brokenness, i guess i’ll just have to pick up my life’s pieces by myself... oh, you go out of your way to help others, but the same people seem to hide behind their doors when you only need them to remind you to be strong.

i understand some of those i turn to have their own issues. on our last night, 1 of my friends from school met with the reporter who broke her heart. she almost collapsed at my door after the predictable dinner date she allowed. she cried tears the size of pears and never stopped. all i could do was hold her, listen, and feed her chocolate i’ve stocked on. maybe, like me, the people i expect to help don't know what to do.

to escape from destructive thoughts, i started turning to books and music again. travelling differently with some classmates, for the 1st time, to and from dumaguete city has changed me, too—in a good way!

being in that quiet town also reminded me of the good things walking did for me 1 day (that was back in high school when i found out that the boy my schoolmates were having a crush on told everybody that he liked me, which made me a target of bullying and got me so sad that, 1 day, i walked for hours from school to home). there aren’t any cabs in dumaguete city and the streets are safe. so we walked a lot...

when we were free in the evening and had our chaperone’s permission to wander around the area, i walked alone. a few times. it helped me clear my mind and learn about the people and the place. dumaguete city helped me find the peace i found when i walked—really walked—for the 1st time in high school.

books, music, travelling and walking—they’ve been very helpful lately. (movies, too!)

happy birthday to me

alone in a coffee shop close to the city's capitol. after an hour of watching families and lovers in church, i got into a cab to spend the last hours of my 20th birthday here. i brought my computer so i wouldn't be tempted to jump off from the top of a condo, or to go to a drugstore to beg to be sold pills.



to tell you the truth, even if i believe in god's love, i'm unhappy and have been thinking a lot about the easiest way out of everything.

i.e., i didn't only plan something really terrible this afternoon, i also stole a kitchen knife (which is still hiding under my bed back home). i never had the guts to use the blade, though. when i saw how alive the veins in my wrists were, i knew that i just couldn’t do it.

not to be gloomy and all, but my birthdays seem to get sadder each year. and love is just so far away.

*~*~*~*

thank you to everybody who wished me a happy birthday and sent love. you have no idea how helpful your advice, prayers and sweet/encouraging words are.

tag time

many thanks to the new chairwoman marie and to lex/parisukat!

3 things i can’t let go of

• blogging and blog-hopping (not yet!)
• my faith
  
• my weird, mixed-up culture

5 things
5 snacks you enjoy:

• chocolate drink (cold for hot days, hot for rainy days)
• jelly tongue
• koko krunch
  
• sliced apples and carrots in a ziplock (****’s pabaon for the plane)
• taho (my favorite in the world!)

5 things you’d do if you were a millionaire:

• buy a hybrid car i could use to get to school/work
• help a charity
• save some money for rainy days
• start a business
• travel

5 bad habits:

• eating with my elbows on the table
• not eating on time
• overanalyzing
• sleeping late
• slouching

5 things you like doing:

• being creative
• dressing up, dressing down
• going on food trips
• listening to good music
• reading

5 things you hate doing:

• doing nothing
• hurrying
• waiting for people who come late for appointments
• wasting time
• worrying

5 things you’d never wear:

• anything that shows much skin (unless it’s too hot)
• anything that’s too tight and i can’t move around in
• biker clothes with matching tattoos and beard
• dead animals
• nothing (i’d never wanna be seen wearing nothing!)

survey
what you’re listening to right now:

• “the chairman’s waltz” from the “memoirs of a geisha” soundtrack

the last 4 numbers of your cellphone number:

• secret!
  

the last thing you ate:

• noodles, veggies, mushroom, rice

if you were a crayon what color would you be?

• pink, i guess

the weather right now:

• i think it’s gonna rain again!

the last person you talked to on the phone:

• ****

the first thing you notice about the opposite/preferred sex:

• scent/smell

favorite food:

• japanese stuff

this tag and survey, i’m passing to everybody who has time or is bored today. hehe. i hope you enjoy!