i thought things would change if i slept on it but it's crazy how i'm still shaking and turning my room upside down for pills i've saved. i also thought that if i washed myself over and again, i can rub off the humiliation of harassment from my skin.
i only almost got raped in public today but i feel like crap.
having it all on replay in my head is as sickening as the thought of having to sleep with a fat, old and ugly married guy for money to fund a pretentious lifestyle. as much as i want to, though, i can't really think of anything else right now.
and i don't have any1 to talk to; i don't know whom to talk to. posting about it in facebook just makes me feel utterly pathetic that i don't have real friends. but how do i reach out for help? do i say, "hi. it just sunk in that i almost got raped in public today. will you be my friend?"...?
i know i briefly joked about the nonspecifics over dinner, carefully choosing my words so as not to alarm my family that a stranger followed my sister and i and tried to hurt me while i watched her play "bump cars" with friends, but i didn't know it would affect me like this and now i just feel like crap. dammit, i feel like crap!—like some1 just used me and pissed on me.
why has it just sunk in??? and why did i even joke about something as terrifying as being forced into a sexual act? now that i've finally taken a realistic look at what happened this afternoon, i think i ruined my 1 chance of telling my parents.
besides, i'm to blame for wearing a pair of shorts (because it was a dreadfully hot day) to SM (so it's true that there are terrible people waiting to do terrible things to innocent people in that mall) to chaperon my sister and her friends for 2 indie movies they're required to watch and to look for fun at the games center:
but, in my own defense againts my own finger-pointing, it's not even short shorts!
still, it was clearly stupid of me to freeze in fright when i could've used my head and kicked and screamed for help while that revolting guy pinned me against a railing to rub his erection on my backside. if it didn't happen in a public place, i wouldn't (for some miracle) outthink and escape that acne-scarred sicko.
but then again, i know i'm aware and careful of how i behave around people so i don't invite the wrong 1s into my personal bubble or to do the wrong things.
then why do i feel dirty and ashamed? why do i feel like i brought all this on myself?
i can't sleep crying, feeling like crap, and freaking out like this. if i don't find those pills now, i might have an attack or a nervous breakdown.
i could've lost my virginity to a rapist today, maaan. i don't know how i'd be able to forgive myself if he went after my younger sister, too.
Monday, August 31
disgusting, disturbing
25 comments:
ugghh acey that sucks and i'm so sorry it had to happen, out of all the people in the world, to you. i hope you feel better and please, please talk to someone about it. when it comes to matters this serious it needs addressing, even to your friends. you have your blog readers, so it's good that you at least let off some steam even if it's just the internet, but it helps a little.
telling family is the most important thing though, so i hope you are strong enough to do that soon.
take care acey!
you should have grabbed his crouch and dinurog mo sana ang genitals nya! i know how it feels, acey. nangyari na din yan sakin before yan. magpi freeze ka talaga sa sobrang shock and hindi gagana ang instinct mo. dapat sa mga lalaking ganon, chinachop yong genital at pinapakain sa piranha. grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
next time, be extra careful. pag alam mo nang may sumusunod sa inyo, itry mo agad na iligaw. much better, buy a pepper spray for your protection.
-lu
That is really sad and I'm sorry it happened to you. I don't really know what else to say :(
dear acey...i agree with justine. you should try to speak to someone about this episode. it may help with the pain of guilt you feel although, we know you dear girl have done nothing to be ashamed of...if you are not up to talking just yet, start a little private notebook just for this terrible time. try to write each day even if it is just one word. so sorry dear acey...
Gee, what a way to come back to the Internet after a long absence.
I am sorry to hear what happened to you.
Remember, first and foremost, it was not your fault and you have no blame. Your style of dress is not a cause for blame.
I believe (probably wrongly) that humans are rational beings and we have choice over our actions. Men (or women) who say that they were tempted, or that they were provoked by someone not interacting with them are dogs and not humans.
Hugs and take care of yourself and remember, you are not to blame.
I also know, that it will be hard to overcome this, so I ill be praying for you as well and hope it brings you some comfort.
thank you, justine, lu, matt, louise, and richard. you have no idea how much your words mean to me right now. thank you. :,)
Repeat after me: Do not take responsibility for what the bad guys do. Do not take responsibility for what the bad guys do. Do not take responsibility for what the bad guys do.
I am sorry, friend.
Yes... you better speak with someone about this... and learn some karate kicks so that next time you can kick him in his b@lls...
Peperspray might be a good alternative... ;-)
I am most saddened by this news of you.
a woman, regardless of the status quo or race or from the dress she wears, do not deserve to be treated like that.
Yes, men, like I, have inhibitions. But inhibitions should be kept in the confines of our puny brains.
Telling your family will either aggravate the situation or they will accept and do necessary precautions to protect you. But by all means, tell it to your mom. Especially to your mom. Your father has the right to know because you're his daughter. But you should consider his temper as well.
And to tell you something so that you know you're not alone, I'm gonna tell you something that had happened to me years ago that only my family and some friends knows about it.
I have a bit of the same scenario as yours. But I call it attempted sexual harassment by a relative of ours in the province. He's gay. I was 17. I knew before that he's fond of men. But never in my thoughts he'd do that to me. We were sleeping together in his room as normal brothers would do. Then when I was half asleep, he attempted to remove my shorts. That's the time I got up and never to return.
But i returned because I need to know why he did it. Of all people why him. He said his only reason was that he loved me. I was outraged. And felt abused. My feelings surmounted to just From then on, I never go alone and changed my perception towards going for a fun vacation specifically in our own province.
I told my mom about it after 3 years. Why 3 years? Because sometimes, time make things a bit easy to say.
You're not alone, Ms.Acey.
never blame yourself or your shorts for that pervert's actions. and don't ever think that you are alone - this happens to most women, such as in crowded trains. in a few weeks you'll just laugh about it, trust me.
Oh my goodness. Acey, that's serious stuff. It's important that you sit down with your parents and tell them 'bout what happened.
It is good that at least, you were able to write about here in your blog. People who regularly come here are all concerned about you. I agree with Justine that you do have to talk to someone about this.
I was also gonna tell you that your shorts weren't short shorts. I see women, girls who wear super short shorts. But really, it's not a question if your shorts were short or super short.
horrible story. but acey it is not your fault that sexually preoccupied psychopaths are roaming free in the malls. just focus on the good side that you weren't raped and telling your parents about it will help dear if only to relieve your stress, and really that is a traumatic experience. hugs acey.
acey..yung ganun tao may sakit yun, buti at lumayo ka..
nangyari narin yan sa kasama kong babae maganda kasi na gaya mo rin.kaya di mo kasalanan yun.
sa jeep naman nangyari yun, pinapakita yung ari sa kanya. ang ginawa nung kasama kong babae ang sabi "ay ang liit naman"..ayun napahiya at umalis,pag baba saka binugbog ng mga nakasakay sa jeep.
ingat ka lagi ha...
i miss the thoughts in this site.
Hello again, acey =)
Hi Ace. Already did what I promised. :) Take care.
sorry to hear that but it wasn't your fault...you should tell your family...they are the one who can really protect you because they are around...take care...
Oh lord. First of all, absolutely none of it is your fault, and don't even begin to think that way. Second of all, there is no such thing as blowing your chance to say something about it. Do not hold it in and over think it. Get it out, even if that means doing so in private or on this blog.
scary. good thing that man did not succeed.
I am so sorry to hear that Acey. You should have really kicked that guy's balls. And then smack him on the face with something hard. I wished I was there to be your friend you can talk to.
How sad and how bad this happened to you! What is the worst I think (and I do understand and don't blame you!), is that you have done nothing wrong and feel bad and crappy, while this mad man is the one who should feel real bad and ashamed.
I hope more men remember the bad impact it has to girls who are innocent and don't deserve such misbehaviour!
I hope you feel better after writing this and read all the supportive comments!
I don't know what to say here. But I strongly suggest that you should tell your parents about what had happened. They deserve to know about it...
When I was new here in Manila, I always brought with me pepper spray. Also, when I was working in a brokerage and was escorting (with motorcycle) to container vans. You could use pepper spray to defend yourself. If you have more time, find a local martial arts school there in your place and learn self-defense.
One time when I was in the administration of SM Fairview before, a man was apprehended by a security guard because he was caught masturbating at the back of the woman...
Please, be more extra careful, aCey...
My dear I am so incredibly sorry that this happened to you, and so incredibly glad that you managed to get away. I really do think you are brave for posting about it, and I think you should definitely find someone to talk to. Whether you can speak to your mother, or just another friend, I am sure that somebody is there that you can trust. I know you are strong enough to get through this and I am sure your family will be understanding and caring no matter what!
sandy, sidney, chigo, mussolini, russ, PM, kuya ever, denis, junjun, jassy, scott, maroseqf, chase, renny, kuya dodong, and DK: thank you, guys. :,)
My God, that's an awful experience Acey. You must learn how to react quickly in such a situation..
Perhaps a little training in Karate or Mixed Martial Arts can give you an edge in beating maniacs like that! How awful! Bastos talaga...kakagigil!!!
GGGGGRRRRR!!!!!
Very good information
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