firecrackers!!!

waaahhhh, happy new year!



like a kid, i'm hiding in my bathroom because HSP me needs something to concentrate on instead of the crazy new year noise, which just started. with me is 1 of the new books i got for the new year, on the buddha's words, and which i grabbed on the way out of our honeysuckle pink themed new year's eve celebration with some house guests from new zealand.

it's a nice devotional of sorts but all i could honestly focus on is the smell of explosive powder and whizzbangs filling and banging in my head!!! it's distressing, actually, but neighbors insist that firecrackers drive away bad spirits, bad luck, bad whatever, so.

so here i am a little girl in my bathroom again. and blogging instead, which i also have trouble focusing on. since i should wrap this up, next for me would be trying to poop out at least half of the truckload of food i ate today (please wish me success with that because it'll require a lot of concentration! 'just kidding!).



once again, happy new year!

a man like this is hard to find

"do you want 2 boyfriends?"

earlier at the supermarket a foreigner approached me for help while i was pushing my cart back and forth the cereals aisle searching for koko krunch. being the goody-goody kind, i, of course, helped out. it was with something very easy, anyway; no sweat.

then he asked for my name and introduced himself, where he's from, why he moved here, and said he actually just saw me in the other aisle and wanted to say hi. frankness is good but i feel a bit shy and embarrassed when stuff like this happens. i'm no westerner, obviously, and my white friends aren't as forward.

we made small talk about the philippines and argued about how "beautiful" he thinks i am and how "ugly" i think i am before he asked probing questions like "are you over 18?"; "are you married?"; "do you have a boyfriend?" to which i nodded "yes" because i knew where he was going; "do you love your (non-existent) boyfriend?" to which i said "yes, of course"; "do you want 2 boyfriends?" to which i shook my head, smiling partly out of politeness and because the question was hilarious and i was doing my best not to LOL at his face.

"it's bad karma, if i decide to have 2 boyfriends," i joked to break the awkward moment that followed.

"can i still get your number?" he laughed.

"ohhh... i'm really sorry," i smiled as nicely as i could and bowed and bowed. normally, i'd feel insulted with how encounters like this make me think i'm being taken for a filipino girl who likes western guys for their stronger currency. maybe i look poor? or materialistic?

for some reason, though, my mind doesn't work like a pride monster machine anymore. and because i'm learning to be less obtuse, less unmindful, after a period of again being unable to bear my being an HSP (common HSP defense mechanism, i learned), i can see through some people again. and rejection, however mild or subtle, is still rejection, which hurts and which i know very well as i've had my fair share of it. so i do my best not to make people i feel i have to "reject" look and feel bad.

"your boyfriend is very lucky," the foreigner said, walking away with his groceries as i waved goodbye a 2nd time. "he has you!" he, then, disappeared.

yeah... hahaha... my non-existent boyfriend.

comfort food

カレーライス!!!

i think...

my left boob grew again. :(

ice cream, christmas, road trip

bye, mountain retreat...

it's sad to check out of you so early. i wanna staaaayyy...

christmas morning

listening to this dhamma talk on the forms of love only makes me appreciate my best friend more. although i only kind of argued with him yesterday about how i think all guys are jerks and how i don't remember calling him "self-centered" when i got mad at him before (i think i remember now and am feeling a bit guilty), he just let me get away even without a "sorry"...

he just said he understands that girls say things they don't mean when they're angry or when they're in their period. nyahahaha. then he made me and my sisters laugh and laugh and laugh until i was feeling less racist and sexist again. lol. (i love my white-ass best friend. he's a good egg.)

the teacher says that our critical societies have made it hard for many us to look at people with eyes that see others' beautiful qualities. this, i guess, is why it's so very difficult to love and be loved unconditionally. people get hurt and then hurt others... and we copy and paste... and, voilà(!), our messed up world.

but my best friend, my best friend who doesn't believe in god or religion and has experienced more pain and trauma than any1 i know in the entire world has shown me that loving people unconditionally—even the difficult 1s—is workable. by accepting me and always being understanding of why i grow horns and a tail at times, he's set an example for me to follow.

now i just have to really set my mind on being more grateful for and appreciative of people 1st. it used to be easier several years ago because life's kinder to children (haha), but it'd be nice if i could do as my best friend and the 9 other people who've shown me kindness did, to pay it forward, help make this world a less messed up place with less girls who grow horns and tails.

a merry jolly christmas, by the way!

gift wrapping fail

as you can see, it's not so hard to understand why friends, family members (except my parents because their presents were wrapped at the store), and those who help me with stuff everyday laugh at the 1st sight of their christmas presents (even though the stuff i got them are much nicer) this year. i, apparently, could be a guru extraordinaire at wrapping gifts! hahaha. NOT.

my kid sister even said: "i could use brother's gift to vacuum!" because the wrapping really does look vacuum cleaner-y.

hairball

because i was only able to speed-pack 1 manga with me and have just finished reading it, i got bored and started playing with my hair... which i obviously have been too busy and lazy to comb for 48 years!



after untangling my accidental dreadlocks, i got bored again and started playing with something i'll definitely wrap for my stalker this christmas. TAH-DAAAAHHH!!!



hehehe. sorry, i'm disturbing.

see you somewhere else in a few hours!

undercover party pooper

aaah, i really hate it when people force me to pose for or be in pictures. like really, really. especially when i feel like poo-poo. and the holidays are full of the sort of people who force other people to pose for and be in pictures...

nom time before busy time

...very, very busy time!

and my period just started

no wonder that dream of that delicious lee pace romancing me woke up me this morning. haha.

the anger-eating monster

today was spent mostly in bed, being heavily drugged and sleeping lots so i recover fast from pharyngitis, a sinus infection, my heart condition bothering me again, and the blues as i have to go back to work tomorrow; and playing recorded dhamma talks on anger, dealing with difficult people (including myself because i know i'm difficult, too), depression, forgiveness, letting go by my favorite teacher the entire time i was awake; and snuggling with my smiling snuggle bears and bunnies, too, like we're hanging out and chillin' like homies, y'all. lol.

today i also heard the story of the anger-eating demon who came to a great emperor's palace while the emperor was away and decided to sit on the throne. what the demon did angered those who served and were loyal to the emperor. they shouted at it, "hey, get out of here! go away, you foul creature! shoo!" well, something like that.

each time the emperor's subjects said and thought bad things to and about the demon, the demon grew bigger and uglier and meaner and smellier. it got so big that it occupied half of the throne room.

when the emperor came back, he saw that what his men did only made things worse. "welcome to my palace," said the wise emperor to the demon. "would you like something to drink? tea perhaps? orange juice?" lol. something like that.

the emperor's people saw the effect of the emperor's kindness on the demon and they began being nice to it, too. the demon shrunk with every good word said and every good thought thought. every1 kept showing the demon kindness and love and patience until it completely disappeared.

it's a humbling story. because sometimes i'm the demon; other times i'm 1 of the emperor's subjects. our househelp for over 20 years is the emperor who showed me kindness today, offering to help me with things i'd just do by myself ("you're still sick," she'd reason) and giving me encouragement ("don't be sad, don't worry," she'd remind), and who also inspired in me compassion for my family instead of negative feelings.

people and blind love

my parents probably think i'm stupid. because my mom just called to ask the househelp if i noticed my brother and his girlfriend downstairs earlier. lol. how can i not know they spent the night again downstairs when the 1st thing i heard when i opened my eyes this morning was the sound of the air-conditioning system roaring like our electricity bill's gonna be sky high again.

and didn't my father just say last night that no1 can use the place downstairs anymore? what, there are exceptions??? or is it because my brother's girlfriend called my dad last night, asking if she could stay downstairs with my brother? good god, what kind of girl does that??? hahaha. is she homeless?

they're obviously doing stuff downstairs with the amount of time and privacy and number of instances they've stayed there with or without permission. i know it's none of my business because this is not only my house, my sisters' house, and my parents' house, but a girl doesn't stick to her boyfriend like that no matter how he's left her crying in a public place for pissing him off a few times or how she's been warned about her boyfriend's real character unless he's already used her.

and i know my brother very well—how he brags about being "good" with the ladies, how he loves music about sex and screwing up girls, how he buys these men's magazines, and talk about girls with his friends... and the hickies i've heard the maids talk about... and the smell i smell of the place after they leave...

it's almost hilarious how my parents don't notice these in-your-face things under their roof and how they just continue to allow them to happen... and the lies...

really, i'm giving up. it's useless even trying to defend people who don't wanna be defended. i really don't like the people every1's becoming here, even myself, but i've lost trust in my parents and hope in this family. i'm done caring; i'm done having attacks and getting sick from all the stress here and having nowhere else to go; i'm done trying to help.

all i wanted was for things to get better at home. but i guess i'll just have to accept the fact that things never will. haay.

'just letting it out on my blog again. i'm really angry and sad and grrrr.

back from the doctor's

my hope is to get better ASAP or i'll have to return on saturday for a little surgery, whaaa.



burning, then lunch, then meds, then SLEEP.

no, my brother didn't beat me up

lol.

but, yeah, i know i look like something that starts with the letter C and something you'd flush down the toilet. haha.



everything from my neck up is swelling; i can't talk; i can't swallow; i can't breathe; i can't hear; i'm shaking; i know in my mind that certain parts of my body hurt, but i'm just frankly too tired to notice; and though i've been making more effort to roll myself off of bed these past 2 weeks with this cough, cold, and disappearing and reappearing fever, i can't get up without torturing myself.

my parents won't let me work in this condition, so i'm going to call in sick before work starts at 4:50 am. i don't like this. i really don't. i still have much to do but i'll have to go back to the hospital or doctor's, toooooooo...

all the way home

as if what just happened to me isn't enough, i had to witness my sister getting told really horrible things by our father just because she suggested he do something else as he was taking a long time going back and forth to unpark.

"how about you drive," he got angry. then, out of the blue, he said things totally far-off and unnecessary like, "i know what you're really like. you're opportunistic... a hypocrite... only after my money..."

my sister just kept quiet as he went on.

"you only came to the hospital when i was sick because i gave you money. i know that face is only after money."

"how could i be there for the money?!" she turned to him, now upset.

"i know what you're really like. you were paid. i paid you! how much do you want from me now?!"

my poor sister couldn't do anything but defend herself by answering back... just as i had to growing up. i was shaking in the backseat from the tension, from being reminded of all the physical and verbal beating i also had to take, from the horrible times and the years it took me to recover from the damage of his acid, from the burning itch to defend my sister from words i know weren't true but cut and crushed anyway.

they argued all the way home, my sister clearly losing the fight. she gave up answering back but he didn't stop.

"how could i be so unlucky!" he thought loudly, almost ramming the car into another vehicle.

flabbergasted

my 19-year-old brother showed my kid sister a wound, a cut or deep scratch, and made her think that i did that to him.

the truth is that i haven't even been anywhere near that guy because he threatened to beat me up yesterday.

and for crying out loud, i can't even squish an insect!

just... wow...

*~*~*~*

UPDATE.

the scatch, i finally saw it. i took many long obvious and stolen looks at my brother and his arm. he couldn't even look up at me, not even to let me know it's rude to stare. it was like watching a wilting plant try so hard to survive during a drought, him moving from corner to corner as he talks with his girlfriend on his phone in a quiet voice. i kinda feel sorry for him now, for how LOW he's gone to get even. i feel sorry for his girlfriend, too. poor kids. but they won't listen. lol.

anyway, the scratch is square and deliberately deep. i obviously have oval fingernails and not enough physical strength or flexibility to reach out and do something only wolverine can. besides, why would i ruin nail art i paid for? my brother has ungroomed square nails. you do the math.

the amahs have also been watching us closely and they know i'm avoiding my brother like a disease. i mean i have to if i don't wanna lose an arm or have another attack.

*~*~*~*

UPDATE.

but my mom seems to be avoiding me, too, and i'm guessing it's because she likes my brother more (yeah, even if he just uses her to do his homework and for money to take girls out on "nice" dates). i grew up like this, having no choice but to defend myself by defending the truth all the time, even if it made me look like little ms. prissy pants, because i've never been any of my parents' favorite. i'm over the attention part but i still want things at home to be better.

anyway, i just learned that my brother has been showing everybody (including our neighbors) his scratch. he also came to our mom and pretended to stretch out his arm involuntarily and my poor good-hearted mom had to ask him about the thing. from there, it was too easy for him to make it appear that i did it.

my mom, my mom who i'm trying to defend and protect... no wonder she hasn't spoken to me. this is exactly why i've been honestly so stressed about my brother trying so desperately hard to make me look like the evil 1. because he can tell all of his friends or even the world about his well-scripted sob story, the wound he made on his own skin, his lies, and they can choose to not believe me, really, and i won't care, but my mom...

my mom knows i could never lie to her about anything. but there's something that bothers me about my brother being the only son and being worthy of an oscar for being the best at pretending to be the wounded sheep when he's really the wily wolf.

*~*~*~*

UPDATE.

somebody has been trying to hack my online accounts. so if you receive something weird from me in facebook, especially, please let me know. thank you and i'm really sorry about this.

my younger brother

so i learned from my mom that again, he let his girlfriend stay the night and that they slept in the same room again, the same bed again, without my parents' consent or knowledge again. i find it irritating because it's disrespectful and it makes my parents look bad and because my brother and his girlfriend have been abusing my parents' goodness for a long time.

it's partly our parents' fault and i'm burning with righteous anger because they've sacrificed much for our family and they just let my brother treat them without honor, letting him mess up in school, have money to mess around, and sleep in the same room as a 16-year-old who acts like a baby. they've told my brother a couple of times not to let the girl stay the night without them knowing and not to screw her, but he just thinks he's so mature and perfect and faultless...

and because of this amazing image of himself that he holds, he doesn't listen to any1 except his girlfriend because he's obsessed with her. but i guess some1 who also seems to lack character deserves a closet jerk who beats up his own sisters (okay, sorry but i'm really angry!!!).

so i got full of all the crap, exploded like a toilet bowl volcano, screamed at the annoying 1 for being the most arrogant person earlier, and almost had another attack. because he just doesn't get it; he doesn't understand anything people tell him nicely or harshly because he only hears himself. he also never accepts when he's wrong, gets mad, keeps asking dumb questions like "what did i do wrong, huh, @#$%^?" when everything's already laid out for him in layman's terms, and threatens to beat the hell out of me just because i tell him it's not cool for him and his girlfriend to keep abusing our parents' niceness.

jerk!!! i swear i'll start cleaning my toilet with his toothbrush if he keeps being stupid. grrrrrrrr.

my special sea weed and tofu soup

tabete!

home from the white party

but, 1st, a last pic of my dress:



it was awesome, the party. the after-party, too. but, alas, just as the band and caterers left and the dj started playing and only the white lanterns and playful disco lights were left on and people were getting drunk and going crazy, the fun had to end for me because i promised my mom i'd be like cinderella and come home at 12. lol.

and i really wanted to go to some after-after-party: i still have so much energy and my fever miraculously went down!!!

unfashionably late

at the elevators.

'didn't do my hair anymore. do i look okay? :/

hee. i overslept. i have a fever and a bad cold and took a nap earlier and overslept. i'm so sorryyyy!

the more guys i know

...the more convinced i am i'd be happier being single despite people telling me the opposite thing. i'd really rather be an old maid leading a long lonely celibate life than being a lot lonelier in a relationship with some1 who doesn't even know the value of a grain of rice.

if you want some1 you think is a good girl or an ideal girl or even the girl of your (hopefully not so creepy) dreams, you'll know her worth and stop behaving like the jerks in gentlemen's clothes our changing societies have been producing at jerk factories.

dear growing belly

this is the last 1. i promise...

stuck in traffic on a rainy evening

but its okay because i just went shopping. lol.

speaking of human boys

unable to sleep, idle, curious and with memories of a quick trip still fresh, i decided to get up and text, "hi, i was in [your city], how's it going?"

"i was in [your city] for 3 days last friday... except i thought you didn't really wanted to see me," came his reply in the middle of my night.

"why would you think that?"

"cause you didn't reply to my text..."

my stomach hurt like i got punched there. i didn't only feel awful for the lie i was going to make; it also sucked that lying is against my beliefs, that my ego can't accept the fact that i'm just a bad liar, and that this person seems like a nice guy despite the few lies he probably had to tell me when we met 2 months ago. i told him i didn't know he texted.

"i did," he replied.

well, the truth is that i got a message. i just didn't text back because i looked him up on facebook 1 day and found his profile say he's in a relationship(!!!) with so and so. i said, "i'm really sorry," but secretly meaning sorry for lying and searching you on facebook and having no plans of playing while you have a girlfriend because it's not cool... yeah, even if i kinda like you.

"it's ok. how was your stay in [my city]?"

"good but short," i answered. "i didn't tell you because i didn't wanna bother you."

"you should have... except yeah i was in [your city]..."

momo

yeah, it's retarded to be this old and sporting stilettos and still sleep and travel with a stuffed animal with a freakin' birth certificate. lol. but it's always nice to have something soft and great-smelling to hold and hug when you're in need of something soft and great-smelling to hold and hug.

at least, mom and dad, it's not a human boy, no? hehehe.

oyasumi. 'sleeping early again. or 'will try to.

at least sponge bob's funny

my kid sister was watching "sponge bob square pants" and i was just about to sit next to her in front of the TV with breakfast when she said, "you know what, you're just like sponge bob."

"but why???" i made a face.

"'cause you're so innocent and friendly and energetic and absent-minded like sponge bob."

"but duuuude, am i as dumb?"

"of course not," she defended, "i know you're intelligent an' all... you're a smart sponge bob!"

whaaaahahaha. lol. i love my kid sister.

here comes temptation

how's a person supposed to start living a life of peace, compassion and piety when airline service really sucks, people around only care about their own butts, and some boys are just so irresistibly cute and snoggable? lol.