they were all like "bye, ace! bye, acey!", the trainees in our class, smiling as they left. i really like them, even when they act like big kids in kindergarten sometimes; they inspire me.
"see you tomorrow. see you, guys," i waved, smiling, too. smiling for real.
these couple of days have been hell. i know things are not as bad as i believe they are, but i've been really down and scared that i cry when i'm alone, miss meals, run to the washroom to cry, contemplate jumping off a building, and come home and cry myself to sleep in bed in work clothes. i've been down and worried, i couldn't laugh or smile.
it was only after i left the company clinic to recover, after an attack i had in a cubicle in the washroom this morning, that i started smiling forced smiles. i saw how some colleagues were helping me calm down, feel better, get better, talking to me, cracking jokes. i saw how my seniors dropped by to check on me or just to give me a hug. i can't let these awesome people see me like this any longer because i learned it makes them sad and worried, too. i want to be my happy, sunny (and productive) self again, and i'm going to start with smiles. fake it 'til you make it, ne.
it's working, though, i think, because i feel lighter. maybe i just needed to cry some more and hyperventilate a little and talk to the company nurse about being super scared of retaking the exam and rather dying than have to feel this depressed and helpless.
when every trainee had left the training room and i was alone, i thought about everything that happened today, this week, about how i feel like a hypocrite. i encourage and help people get better, not only at certain skills, but at encouraging and helping themselves, too, and yet i don't know how to encourage and help myself out of this... state.
getting better is going to take a lot of work. it doesn't help that i'm an HSP with a heart condition, which discourages me from feeling too happy or too sad or too excited, and i suffer from anxiety attacks, 1 of the most frightening and wearisome experiences i know a person can go through. it doesn't help that i'm currently a train-wreck, a train-wreck with a mental disorder.
after failing the company test, my self-esteem went ka-boom, into ashes. seriously, who flunks an open-notes exam? i know i wasn't given time to study for it and that every1 says it's a tricky exam and that less than half of the employee population retake it for not getting the 85% passing mark, but, really, who flunks an open-notes exam?
plus i could lose this job. i like this job. if i get fired just because of a convoluted exam on leaves and tardiness and sanctions, i wouldn't know what i'd do in life after that happens, if that happens.
so i worry. i worry about failing. i worry about failing and losing my main escape from life drama. i worry about failing because failing sucks and because i'm not used to failing. then there are, of course, other things, grown-up things i can't simply shake off or run away from forever.
no1 would probably understand, but i want to let all of this out here. after all, this is my blog, ne, and i blog because it's cheaper than therapy, though i did a little retail therapy earlier, which didn't help much because i already spend a lot of money. heh.
what's really helping me, and i see this clearly now, is the support i'm getting from the people around me. my mom hugged me last night when i saw her for the 1st time this week, telling me not to worry. my dad, who's not my biggest fan, said i'll find another job easily because i'm good at many things. our helpers are extra nice to me lately. and my coworkers are really patient with me, really positive about things, even showing me some love in, you know, less cheesy, less obvious ways.
if i don't get better, feel better, i'll only make the people who care about me sad like me.
Thursday, September 29
hypocrite
6 comments:
Seems a very brief entry.
Sure, post the contents 56 minutes after my flippant comment and make me look really callous. :-(
What you need is someone to tell you what a wonderful person you are, because it is obvious you don't get enough of it in your daily life.
Over the years I've known you (sadly, only online), you've become increasingly endearing.
I believe in you. I've always believed in you. Whether you have ups or downs, I know you will always be awesome. Believe in yourself too. Beleive in yourself because I believe in you. Believe in yourself because I know other visitors to this blog believe in you too.
As Julia Cameron wrote in her book, "The Artist's Way": "I do not need to be rich but I do need to be richly supported."
Surround yourself with people who richly support you. Giving is great, but some times we need to recieve as well.
I'm sure this is all true, Ace, but I think what makes it such a major issue is the underlying belief that you're a one-off - that you're particularly cursed with inadequacies - that other people don't have faults, doubts and insecurities to the same extent that you do.
The fact is, everybody has them. It's just that non-HSPs don't feel them as keenly (I should know - I'm one!) And most people are good at hiding them. Seems to me that you have an open, frank personality. It's what makes you so engaging.
Keep going, Ace. Cry buckets; it's good for you. You'll be fine.
oops, sorry, richard. i post as i pause to save the entry. my fault.
thank you, and you, too, jj, for your encouraging words. thank you for always checking on me here.
haven't stopped by your blog in a while but..here's some encouragement for you my friend-- hang in there. You will survive it all. and whatever you do do not pull a Chen Lin on us girl!
Oh, I know you didn't do it to make me look bad. The reason I left the comment in the first place to to kind of notify you that there was some content missing.
You don't have to try to make the people around you sad - people who care about you ARE sad when you are saqd.
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