for the 1st time in the history of my life, i think i genuinely want kids. kids with your tousled hair, eyes the color of the blue-green sea, the shape of your lips, your shy smile, and that boyish charm.
has any1 ever told you you'd make a wonderful sperm donor? if i had little versions of you come out of my butt, i'd be okay with it as i know those babies are going to grow up funny, kind to others, intelligent, and good-looking, thanks to your awesome genes.
in other words, you're kind of beautiful, and you seem blind to the fact that you probably caused global warming!
why did you pop out of nowhere just after my best mate made me sad and some1 i like disappeared? and you made me laugh and smile after a long time of secretly not being able to find anything fun or funny...
it sucks because now i'm going to develop a crush on you, and i fear you're only going to crush my little heart after tomorrow.
Sunday, February 26
stupid hormones
Friday, February 24
Thursday, February 23
dream job
i don't like that every day-ish, i have to witness people feel like they have to brag about what they can do or take credit for something some1 else worked hard for. i really don't like coming to work excited and arriving realizing that i can only advance my career by stepping on other people without calling it that. i don't think you earn respect that way; you just lose your integrity. and i can only ignore it for so long, and then all this starts pulling me down again...
Friday, February 17
so while we wait for my soup to cool,
let me brag to the 3 beautiful people who read my boring blog that my my trainees are the sweetest trainees in the whole wide world.
yesterday i was really sick and couldn't come to work, and what these guys did was make me a "get well soon, acey" video. awww.
work today was great. we had this talent thing for all our trainees, which was awesome because every1 got to witness much creativity and gift! i also never expected that many people to notice my short absence or worry about me.
but i'm okay, and i will get better very soon. i finally got to get some sleep yesterday, you see, and i've been eating a lot today. a lot of healthy stuff, including this ginseng chicken soup.
let's eeeat!
Tuesday, February 14
flowers
if he didn't get me used to receiving flowers on special days, it wouldn't hurt this much. if he didn't start sending roses and presents to replace his presence in my life, it wouldn't crush me like this.
yeah, i know they're just flowers. and it's stupid to be this sad, to be both crying and trying not to cry this hard.
i should've known better than to expect roses from some1 who left me. i shouldn't have waited for flowers that never arrived; i should've already learned my lesson. i know the pattern well. because i've been waiting for him to come back since i was 19, because he said he will. but like the flowers i expected today, he'll probably never come.
maybe if my family didn't ask why nothing arrived for me in the mail when i got home to no flowers, i wouldn't have to overuse "i don't know". did he find some1? did he stop loving me? did something bad happen to him? i don't know. if relatives and family friends i've chanced into lately also didn't keep asking about why i still don't have a boyfriend or why i'm still unmarried, i wouldn't be feeling like a female failure.
maybe if the guys who've shown me interest didn't assume i'd be drowning in chocolate and greeting cards and red roses and stuffed bears, i wouldn't feel so alone and so unwanted. even my best friend who says he wants to marry me didn't make an effort to make me feel special today.
maybe if i had never told coworkers about being content with the bruno mars serenade and the chocolate cupcake my very sweet trainees surprised me with, i wouldn't feel like a liar. i even unthinkingly told a friend that although the sappy expressions of love around makes me want to jump off the window, all will be made okay by 2 dozens of long-stemmed, big-budded, pastel-colored roses waiting for me at home...
2 dozens of long-stemmed, big-budded, pastel-colored roses that never came.
what do i do, ne? should i behave like many women and cause guys to wanna change the name "valentine's day" to "extortion day"? if i could just laugh about this, ne. laugh instead of cry because crying in my bathroom is all i can do. it's all i know to do, actually, to help me not be so pathetic tomorrow and the days after.
maybe i'm too attached to whatever tangible thing i can get to prove i'm loved, or have been loved. isolated, protected, eldest, eager to please, responsible, last, neglected, left by people i love all my life, i've become so secretly greedy for affection or any proof of being cared about. maybe this is why i'm crying, hurting...
but this is also other things, several things. things i can't show people; things you don't really talk about. they're things i've worked so hard to cover up, things i thought would die or be forgotten after 2 years, 3... 4... more.
maybe he stopped caring about me, and i should just move on, try. maybe no1 will even ever truly want me now, want to give me flowers every now and then.
Monday, February 13
Monday, February 6
panic
what's going onnnn??? what's happennnninnng???
my coworkers and i were just having lunch at a grill, after we let every1 in our department return home to their families after the earthquake earlier, and i just went to the washroom, and when i returned to our table, everybody was gone and rushing out of the place.
there was 1 waiter who screamed "run!" at customers. "oh, wait," he stopped 1, "you didn't pay yet!" lol.
then i spotted 1 of my coworkers at the counter, still paying, calm but clearly rationalizing. "hey, what's going on?" i asked him. "run!" he said. "no, what about you?" i asked. "just run!" he demanded. so i did. i rushed out of the grill and found people hurrying into their cars and people running for their lives.
before i could ask any1 what was going on, some1 pushed me. damn korean. hehe. i looked back and saw that he even left his friends behind. if a white guy with a funny accent didn't help me up, i would be crushed by the SUV in my face or by the people stampeding behind me. "go, go!" he said, and i ran without even thanking him.
hysteria. it was mass hysteria. people were coming from 1 direction and running to the hilly part of the city. it was awesome because it was like a scene from a disaster movie, and at the same time, it wasn't because every1 was super scared.
"water! there's water!" a stranger finally answered. he was quickly taking his shoes off and putting on wellingtons.
my friends were all i could think of. because i know my family's safe in the hills where we live: my parents picked my kid sister up from school earlier, and every1 else is home. so i thought about my friends, looking for them as i spun around and 'round.
"ace! ace!" a coworker called out. "where're the others?" i asked, now somewhat hyperventilating. she said they all left, our coworkers, our boss, everybody. "let's go!" she said. we started running, holding each other's hand. she obviously had her little daughter in mind because she kept saying her name as we braved the sea of people rushing forward.
the funny thing was that i knew i was about to have an attack. i tried so hard not to have an attack, and just keep running. not right now, i told my heart. i really forced it, and it kind of worked! lol.
it was then we found another coworker. "hey, (insert name here)!" i called out. "let's cross the street!" he shouted from a distance. "c'mon, run!" and we ran, the 3 of us. how we didn't get run over by vehicles is still a mystery. when drivers saw people running for their lives, they were like, "hey, c'mon, i'm driving to the hills!" but when they saw the sudden traffic jam, they abandoned their jeepneys in the middle of the road and ran with the crowd. it was crazy!
we ran and ran, not even sure of what we're running away from. people were saying stuff about a tsunami, and every1's seen enough videos of the 1s in japan and indonesia and thailand, so no1 bothered to look if there really is water coming after us. who would wanna look back, ne???
now i'm in the office with a few worried coworkers. the others, we're still calling on their cellphones. my battery is low. i just talked to my mom who was surprisingly calm, and i'm still waiting for the water people were screaming about. lol.
to tell you the truth, i'm not scared because i don't know what's really going on. and i know you'll think it's sick that i think this is sort of fun because it's like being in a disaster movie, but i really hope every1 is safe.
